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What is your biggest question concerning teenage behavior
modification?
- How to get your teen to listen to you?
- How to get your teenager to do what you say?
- How to get your teen to talk to you?
These are all very important questions. I have four children, three of
which are already grown. They are all very different people and they
all were very different teenagers.
Like you, I always wanted to like my teens. To enjoy their company. To
know they enjoyed mine. And for the most part, I think we all succeeded
- together!
If you are tiptoeing around your teen, you are probably
feeling a
bit desperate.
Let's get to it, then. Let's talk about how we can answer those
teenager behavior modification questions above.
Modifying behavior - how to get your teen to listen to you?
First work on the talking.
One thing to consider is that if your teen feels they don't respect
you or that you aren't listening to them, then the walls go up in their
heart and they don't listen to you. It's very frustrating, I know. You
may be doing everything you can think of to relate well to your
teenager, to be there for him, to parent well.
And I encourage you to keep doing that. Most of the time, it's not a
matter of doing more, but of taking what we're already doing and
turning it around.
I discovered that each of my teenagers would listen to me - really
listen - only after I paid the price of listening to them. And getting
each of them to talk took creativity and patience.
- One would only open up after 30 minutes of spending one on one
time
with him.
- One needed to talk on random evenings at 10 pm - just when I was
wanting to go to bed!
- One found her voice by my allowing her to vent about her
relationships
with her friends - and how those friendships often weren't going well.
Only after I paid the price of parenting
teenagers - and earned a bit of their respect in the
bargain - was I allowed to hear what was important to them.
It would have been sooooo easy to say "I'm too tired - let's
talk
tomorrow" or "I don't want to hear about your friends" but then the
floodgates would have closed. And my kids would have found someone else
to talk to, someone who might not have shared my values and my love for
my child.
You can see, this method takes practice and time. For me, it was worth
every second.
I think you'll find it the same in your family.
Additional teenage behavior modification strategy - how to
get your
teen to do what you say.
The short answer here is you can't make your teen do anything. Period.
However, you DO have fantastic influence with her. Use that influence
wisely by building up your relationship through the talking/listening
modification strategy we've already talked about above. And let's look
at where you want to end up: teenagers who
comply with their parents mostly
- respect their parents.
- view themselves as a valuable part of their family.
- understand that being cooperative not only helps out others, it
helps
them, as well.
If your teen is
- defiant
- disrespectful
- hostile
- uncooperative
you are probably not going to magically modify his behavior
overnight.
You and your teen have some serious work to do and your teen may not
want to do any of it!
Start by educating yourself. As the parent, you are in the driver's
seat here. Take control back. As a mature adult, you hold all the cards
on experience, perspective and learning. Find out how to play your hand
wisely!
There are many excellent resources online and offline that give great
help with parenting a teen. Read! Study! Think of this as your new
project. Use parenting cd's you can listen to or books you can read
that will prepare you for your next encounter with your teen and teach
you specifics of what to say and do. Begin to train your child in
character development; think of your job as your teenager's coach. Not
his friend. Find another parent you respect who has already conquered
this stage in their child's life and ask them to mentor you.
See parenting as the career it is and treat it accordingly. You
will
find it much more rewarding and less of a struggle. The secret
here, as
you can see, to many teenage behavior modification strategies is that
you, as Mom or Dad, are in the driver's seat. When you make a
change,
your young teen has to change how she responds or reacts, too.
You can do this! You care deeply for your child and that is the single
most important quality you need. Believe in yourself and your parenting
abilities. There are no guarantees in parenting, but there are great
possibilities, both for you and your teenager.
Want more information on parenting teenagers? Here's a very helpful
article for you -
Gut Check: Do You Tiptoe around Your Child?
Related articles:
What to do with a child with very
serious behavior problems
Consequences in elementary
school for bad behavior
Common behavioral problems in
children
Behavior problems in school age
children
Behavior modification in children
Behavior modification strategies
Disclaimer:
Remember, I am giving you my thoughts as a long time parent, not as a
therapist. This website does not dispense professional, medical, or
legal advise.
Please consult a qualified professional about your own situation.
Colleen Langenfeld is a mother with over 25 years of parenting experience and helps other busy moms at http://www.paintedgold.com.
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